I'm pretty sure the sense of danger is learned from a very young age. I can remember my sister and I jumping on my parents bed when we lived in Michigan. I was probably like 7 or 8 and my sister was probably 4 or 5. We would jump forever, do tricks, make up routines that we would perform for our parents and we did this very often. I remember once though that we jumped a little too close to the edge and my sister fell off; smashing her arm between her body and the heating vent that was on the floor. I don't remember but I think we took her to the doctor right after that to find out that it was sprained. It scared my sister and I a lot and we learned that it was dangerous to jump like that on the bed and after that we were more careful.
Then when I was a little bit older probably in like 5th or 6th grade, I had my first trip to a theme park. We loaded up and went with some family friends. We rode rides all day and at the very end of the day my friend (who was a little older than I) decided he was going to ride one of the bigger roller coasters. He tried to convince me to go, but there was no way on earth that I was getting on that ride. So my friends dad gave me a little pep talk and told me that there was nothing to be afraid of that it was totally safe. I was still really terrified because I knew that it was dangerous; if I fell out of that ride I was sure to die and even if I rode it I was sure to get hurt. haha. So my friends dad finally told me he would give me 10 dollars if I got on and rode it, so I decided that if he was that confidant then I would get on. I climbed in the seat and grabbed tight to my friends hand. I kept my eyes tightly closed through the whole ride and when it was over I smiled and eagerly collected my 10 dollars. Then I rode it again.
When I was younger I was scared of things that were dangerous, its because I knew that there was a possibility that I could get hurt, or something bad would happen. I didn't want to risk it. The older we get the more danger presents itself; sometimes danger that we know we should avoid, sometimes danger that gives us an opportunity to show others (and maybe ourselves) that we aren't afraid.
Last sunday my pastor said something about taking a risk and taking a chance on something even it was dangerous. He said it in a specific context but the more I thought about that simple phrase the more I began to see where I could apply it to my life.
Sometimes God asks us to take risks and to do things that are dangerous; at first we say no because we know that there's a potential that the situation could end badly, or that we'd be worse off than we were before. We're scared, but mostly...we're untrusting. We think God must be crazy and must not realize what's on the line, what we really could lose. We fail to remember that our God is all-knowing and HIS plan makes so much more sense than ours.
My boyfriend and I had talked about marriage several times before, we were excited about the day that we would finally be able to be husband and wife, but we knew that realistically it would be smarter to wait to do this until we were both out of college and had had time to establish ourselves and our careers. We recently felt God tell us that we needed to put more trust in him, and that he had a plan he wanted us to follow, because he was preparing us for something great and in order for him to do that we needed to get married sooner rather than later. At first this request was out of the question and we both started making excuses; we don't have the money, we aren't ready, we're too young...etc.
What happened next was amazing; God softened our hearts and showed us that his plan was going to be amazing and that we needed to trust that it would all work out to glorify him! So we made it official and got engaged. We are getting married this summer and neither of us can hardly wait to see what God has in store.
The risk God is asking us to take is a great one. See even though it has been not even a month since we got engaged; the devil has already been hard at work trying to tell us that this plan is a silly one. There has been negative criticism from friends, set backs, and spiritual warfare. Something I realized lately is that the reason the devil is attacking so much is because what we're doing is dangerous. It's dangerous because the devil knows that by us trusting in God, it will interfere with what the devil does best; steal, kill, and destroy. It's dangerous because it glorifies God, and the devil hates that.
What amazes me is this: we're so afraid to live dangerously because we're afraid that the situation will turn out badly, and it will end in pain. But God's plan doesn't end badly, it ends in true life, and love and living in HIS glory...and I can't think of any other way I would want this story to end. (or any story for that matter) Living dangerously is a risk, a lot of times it can be scary but God loves us so much he wants us to trust him and see that he laid it all on the line for us so that we could be with him, and if we lay it all on the line for him then we can experience the true power of his glory and majesty and love.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Pretty
What is pretty? Why is there so much pressure (as a girl) to be pretty? I mean, heck, our society's definition of "pretty" changes almost everyday...so what does it really mean?
When I was young I never wore makeup, mostly because I wasn't allowed. But I never cared about it that much because I wasn't aware that there was anything physically wrong with me. Then in 5th grade all my friends started wearing glitter...you know, the kind that you bought from Bath and Body Works that has the roller, it was really wet and it go all over everything. But thats what was cool, if you wore glitter you were cool, and pretty. So of course I asked my mom for some and started wearing it. The glitter in my middle school got so out of control that our principal had to ban it. No joke.
So then in like 7th or 8th grade I wanted to be "Prom Barbie" for halloween and my boyfriend would be my "Ken." I wore one of my mom's old dresses and she curled my hair and then, for the first time, she did my makeup. I mean all of it, from the foundation, to the mascara. I was completely done up. When I finally looked at myself in the mirror of the bathroom I didn't even recognize myself, but I kind of liked it....I felt grown up, I felt like one the those girls you see in fashion magazines...I felt pretty.
After that I wanted to wear makeup all the time. I liked the way it felt to look like someone different, to look like the girls in the magazines that I had admired so much, I started to like myself better with makeup than without, and I started realizing that I wanted to start figuring out how else I could make myself look better. My clothes, my figure, my hair...etc.
By my freshman year of high school my self perception was so distorted that I hated myself. I was stressed because I was going through adolescence, I felt pressure to look a certain way, to be a certain size, to have certain hairstyles, and to like certain things. I wasn't very happy and worst of all I hadn't had an actual conversation with my Lord since I don't know when.
I had been saved when I was 8 years old and even though I don't remember much about being that age, I know that I had to have been happy. When you're that young what do you really have to worry about? Life is so care free and easy and you love yourself and your friends and your family and there's no pressure to be anything. You're just loved for being you. When I stopped loving myself I had forgotten that....
Im not sure on the exact day I found myself underneath everything I had been trying to be. I don't know what year or if there was an "Ah Ha!" moment. If I had to guess I'd say it might be when something happened to one of my cousins, that made me realize how much love was in my family. My cousin was my role model, she was the prettiest girl I had ever seen, she was smart and everything I wanted to be someday. Watching her struggle and seeing the way our family responded showed me that they loved her so much that it didn't matter what hard times she was going through, it didn't matter if she made bad decisions or even doubted herself, because they loved her no matter what and they always would.
Even though I'm sorry that my cousin had to face that really hard time in her life, Im thankful, because it was through that situation that I was able to love myself again. I mean it makes sense: the only people we really care about in this life is our family and our true friends, and those people love us for no other reason than simply because we are who we are. I don't have to wear the right clothes, or cake on tons of makeup to gain that love from them, and even greater is knowing that I don't have to be a certain way in order for God to love me.
I would be lying if I said that I never struggle with the way I look, because I do sometimes. But just recently I was finally able to wrap my head around the fact that I needed to start worrying more about how "pretty" I was on the inside. I need to focus on what God had given me and use everything to glorify Him. God thinks I am SO incredibly smart, and beautiful, and worthy, and no matter what I go through, HIS approval is the only one I need and He will always love me; no matter what I look like, and that makes me feel pretty all the time.
Below is a link to a video on youtube that I really love, it has one inapropriate word in it but the message is so inspiring and so very true. It made me feel pretty....
VIEWER DISCRESSION ADVISED.
When I was young I never wore makeup, mostly because I wasn't allowed. But I never cared about it that much because I wasn't aware that there was anything physically wrong with me. Then in 5th grade all my friends started wearing glitter...you know, the kind that you bought from Bath and Body Works that has the roller, it was really wet and it go all over everything. But thats what was cool, if you wore glitter you were cool, and pretty. So of course I asked my mom for some and started wearing it. The glitter in my middle school got so out of control that our principal had to ban it. No joke.
So then in like 7th or 8th grade I wanted to be "Prom Barbie" for halloween and my boyfriend would be my "Ken." I wore one of my mom's old dresses and she curled my hair and then, for the first time, she did my makeup. I mean all of it, from the foundation, to the mascara. I was completely done up. When I finally looked at myself in the mirror of the bathroom I didn't even recognize myself, but I kind of liked it....I felt grown up, I felt like one the those girls you see in fashion magazines...I felt pretty.
After that I wanted to wear makeup all the time. I liked the way it felt to look like someone different, to look like the girls in the magazines that I had admired so much, I started to like myself better with makeup than without, and I started realizing that I wanted to start figuring out how else I could make myself look better. My clothes, my figure, my hair...etc.
By my freshman year of high school my self perception was so distorted that I hated myself. I was stressed because I was going through adolescence, I felt pressure to look a certain way, to be a certain size, to have certain hairstyles, and to like certain things. I wasn't very happy and worst of all I hadn't had an actual conversation with my Lord since I don't know when.
I had been saved when I was 8 years old and even though I don't remember much about being that age, I know that I had to have been happy. When you're that young what do you really have to worry about? Life is so care free and easy and you love yourself and your friends and your family and there's no pressure to be anything. You're just loved for being you. When I stopped loving myself I had forgotten that....
Im not sure on the exact day I found myself underneath everything I had been trying to be. I don't know what year or if there was an "Ah Ha!" moment. If I had to guess I'd say it might be when something happened to one of my cousins, that made me realize how much love was in my family. My cousin was my role model, she was the prettiest girl I had ever seen, she was smart and everything I wanted to be someday. Watching her struggle and seeing the way our family responded showed me that they loved her so much that it didn't matter what hard times she was going through, it didn't matter if she made bad decisions or even doubted herself, because they loved her no matter what and they always would.
Even though I'm sorry that my cousin had to face that really hard time in her life, Im thankful, because it was through that situation that I was able to love myself again. I mean it makes sense: the only people we really care about in this life is our family and our true friends, and those people love us for no other reason than simply because we are who we are. I don't have to wear the right clothes, or cake on tons of makeup to gain that love from them, and even greater is knowing that I don't have to be a certain way in order for God to love me.
I would be lying if I said that I never struggle with the way I look, because I do sometimes. But just recently I was finally able to wrap my head around the fact that I needed to start worrying more about how "pretty" I was on the inside. I need to focus on what God had given me and use everything to glorify Him. God thinks I am SO incredibly smart, and beautiful, and worthy, and no matter what I go through, HIS approval is the only one I need and He will always love me; no matter what I look like, and that makes me feel pretty all the time.
Below is a link to a video on youtube that I really love, it has one inapropriate word in it but the message is so inspiring and so very true. It made me feel pretty....
VIEWER DISCRESSION ADVISED.
Friday, February 4, 2011
Having a Broken Heart
It has been 24 days since our group of 14 got back from Haiti. Returning to our culture from such despair has been anything but easy. Everywhere I look I can see the faces of the children that we had all grown to love. I can see the face of our dear friend Art Clawson, and I can also see the views from the back of the truck on our many rides from place to place. Sometimes if I look hard enough I can even smell the smells and see the dust fly up everywhere.
A friend of mine that I hadnt talked to in a while called me up yesterday to catch up, it had been a long time since we had last spoken and as we had conversation about what was new in our worlds, I began to realize that I was a completely different person now from when I last talked to her. After we hung up I thought on this and then realized that not only was I a different person but the new me had only just recently come about.
For anyone who has ever been on a mission trip I know how easy it is to come back and say how much you have changed, but for me the difference is substantial. The kind of change I have experienced in my life has been so radical that I am 100% different in every way. It's as if the old me is dead, and I have just been born into this new life that I am in.
When you're baptized the pastor usually talks about being "born again." You are one person before you are dunked in the water and when youre lifted out of it you feel completely brand new...well thats what Haiti was for me. A baptism...a new birth of Amanda Carney.
When we got in the church bus, drove to the airport and boarded the plane: I was one person. When we landed back home after our week long trip, I was someone totally different. I was born again.
It's hard for me to put into words the kind of freedom and life I experienced on this trip, its hard for me to tell my parents about how fresh my spirit feels, and it was even harder trying to tell our church congregation about our times in Haiti. All that really hits the nail on the head for me is when I say "the person I was up until January 4th 2011, is dead," that girl that everyone knew is gone, she doesnt even exist anymore. And the reason is simple....
Before Haiti I was a christian, I loved God, and I was doing my best (that I thought I could do) to be a good person. I also went to church (when I had time) and was thankful and praised God for what I had (when I had time.) Based on my old standards I was on top of my game.
See what changed me is this: in Haiti, God broke my heart. Not because of how sad things were there; but because of his greatness and majesty. He showed me how empty I was and how much I needed him. His awesomeness consumed me and I was able to break free from this mediocre life I had been living. God let me see how radical his creation was, and it rocked my world. God took my spirit and let my heart be broken so that he could change me. So that I could see the people and the world the way he sees his people and the world and that I might do something about it.
God's love is so much bigger than I realized, he loves us so much, and because I let go and let God break my heart; I can see that now.
A friend of mine that I hadnt talked to in a while called me up yesterday to catch up, it had been a long time since we had last spoken and as we had conversation about what was new in our worlds, I began to realize that I was a completely different person now from when I last talked to her. After we hung up I thought on this and then realized that not only was I a different person but the new me had only just recently come about.
For anyone who has ever been on a mission trip I know how easy it is to come back and say how much you have changed, but for me the difference is substantial. The kind of change I have experienced in my life has been so radical that I am 100% different in every way. It's as if the old me is dead, and I have just been born into this new life that I am in.
When you're baptized the pastor usually talks about being "born again." You are one person before you are dunked in the water and when youre lifted out of it you feel completely brand new...well thats what Haiti was for me. A baptism...a new birth of Amanda Carney.
When we got in the church bus, drove to the airport and boarded the plane: I was one person. When we landed back home after our week long trip, I was someone totally different. I was born again.
It's hard for me to put into words the kind of freedom and life I experienced on this trip, its hard for me to tell my parents about how fresh my spirit feels, and it was even harder trying to tell our church congregation about our times in Haiti. All that really hits the nail on the head for me is when I say "the person I was up until January 4th 2011, is dead," that girl that everyone knew is gone, she doesnt even exist anymore. And the reason is simple....
Before Haiti I was a christian, I loved God, and I was doing my best (that I thought I could do) to be a good person. I also went to church (when I had time) and was thankful and praised God for what I had (when I had time.) Based on my old standards I was on top of my game.
See what changed me is this: in Haiti, God broke my heart. Not because of how sad things were there; but because of his greatness and majesty. He showed me how empty I was and how much I needed him. His awesomeness consumed me and I was able to break free from this mediocre life I had been living. God let me see how radical his creation was, and it rocked my world. God took my spirit and let my heart be broken so that he could change me. So that I could see the people and the world the way he sees his people and the world and that I might do something about it.
God's love is so much bigger than I realized, he loves us so much, and because I let go and let God break my heart; I can see that now.
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