Failure

The word Failure has been on my mind a lot lately. School is tough, money is tight, emotions are worn, time is short, demands are high...and sometimes I don't know if I can juggle it all. I start to wonder if I will fail. If I will be a failure. Then I hear from some friends of mine and they are struggling with a lot of things lately as well. Some of these things trump mine by like a million, some not so much. One friend even told me that she felt she was failing at her life and didn't know where to go next.

It is a depressing thought....being a failure.

I've failed tests before. It's not a good feeling. I've ran out of money before, it's really difficult. I have been so emotionally drained at times that I have to shut myself down and take a break. Sometimes time gets away from me or I procrastinate and it leads to things being past due, missing deadlines, forgetting appointments. These things consume our lives sometimes (or atleast mine) and they can be so loud and wearing that we can't hear the good things calling out to us. Sometimes, the bad is so loud that we can't even hear God.

I started to worry about what would happen if I were to have no money, no school, no car, no job. I started to picture my life that way and it was scary because I realized that there wasn't much separating me from that right now. Does that make me a failure? Then in the same instant I answered my own question. No it doesn't make me a failure. I am doing my best in everything that I do and really that's all that God requires of us and really that is all we can do in life.

What I am failing at, however, is hearing God's voice. I let the frustrations and problems going on in my life become so loud....I let them be the only thing that I hear and then I can't hear God.

After I realized that I had let that happen; I cried. I haven't heard from God at all this week, and often we make the mistake of blaming that on God. I admit I have done this many times. I get so wrapped up in things that I have to get done or stuff that I have to devote my time to and I get stressed. Then I ask God if he's still there and if he's going to help and when I don't get an answer I get even more angry.

Really though......it's my fault. I'm not allowing God to speak.

I hand a megaphone to the STUFF going on in my life and it gets so entirely loud that I can't even hear what God has to say....which leads to this failure that I start to feel. If I would just learn to look at my problems right in the eye and say "hey...I need to hear from God FIRST...before any of this gets any of my thoughts" then I would be able to hear God...

Hear God saying...
You are wonderful
You can handle this
You are bigger than that
You are special and wanted
You are NOT alone
I will NEVER leave you
I will ALWAYS be here
I have a plan for you
I love you....

because really he's been there the whole time talking to me....I just couldn't hear it.