Having a Broken Heart

It has been 24 days since our group of 14 got back from Haiti. Returning to our culture from such despair has been anything but easy. Everywhere I look I can see the faces of the children that we had all grown to love. I can see the face of our dear friend Art Clawson, and I can also see the views from the back of the truck on our many rides from place to place. Sometimes if I look hard enough I can even smell the smells and see the dust fly up everywhere.

A friend of mine that I hadnt talked to in a while called me up yesterday to catch up, it had been a long time since we had last spoken and as we had conversation about what was new in our worlds, I began to realize that I was a completely different person now from when I last talked to her. After we hung up I thought on this and then realized that not only was I a different person but the new me had only just recently come about.

For anyone who has ever been on a mission trip I know how easy it is to come back and say how much you have changed, but for me the difference is substantial. The kind of change I have experienced in my life has been so radical that I am 100% different in every way. It's as if the old me is dead, and I have just been born into this new life that I am in.

When you're baptized the pastor usually talks about being "born again." You are one person before you are dunked in the water and when youre lifted out of it you feel completely brand new...well thats what Haiti was for me. A baptism...a new birth of Amanda Carney.

When we got in the church bus, drove to the airport and boarded the plane: I was one person. When we landed back home after our week long trip, I was someone totally different. I was born again.

It's hard for me to put into words the kind of freedom and life I experienced on this trip, its hard for me to tell my parents about how fresh my spirit feels, and it was even harder trying to tell our church congregation about our times in Haiti. All that really hits the nail on the head for me is when I say "the person I was up until January 4th 2011, is dead," that girl that everyone knew is gone, she doesnt even exist anymore. And the reason is simple....

Before Haiti I was a christian, I loved God, and I was doing my best (that I thought I could do) to be a good person. I also went to church (when I had time) and was thankful and praised God for what I had (when I had time.) Based on my old standards I was on top of my game.

See what changed me is this: in Haiti, God broke my heart. Not because of how sad things were there; but because of his greatness and majesty. He showed me how empty I was and how much I needed him. His awesomeness consumed me and I was able to break free from this mediocre life I had been living. God let me see how radical his creation was, and it rocked my world. God took my spirit and let my heart be broken so that he could change me. So that I could see the people and the world the way he sees his people and the world and that I might do something about it.

God's love is so much bigger than I realized, he loves us so much, and because I let go and let God break my heart; I can see that now.